My Health II

So, left off with things from a couple years ago. Needless to say I lost my job as a truck driver pretty quick after all that happen. Which lead me to a time that was pretty damn scary to say the least. No job and trying to "heal" was a real shitty time. Mentally though I kept thinking that this was all just a bump in the road. Kept thinking everything would be fine and I would move past all this.

Now, the thought that just hit me is why am I writing all this? To be honest I have no idea. Other then I guess I hope this will help me see things clearly and that others might get some insight into how and why I do the things I do. Course that is for those that know me. Who might or might not ever read this. LOL

Anyway, I found a job and all that. Still convinced this was really nothing that big I went along with life pretty much ignoring how I was feeling. Didn't change much of how I lived including how and what I ate and such. Now in respect to being fully honest I was without any health coverage and couldn't keep up with meds and doctor follow up care at this time. In many ways as I look back I get very upset with myself. How stupid was I? Fact is ... I am pretty damn stupid and have been all my life. Often I wonder why I am so different. Is being normal so hard to attain, it sure as hell is with me. Guess about 16 months after my first run in with the ICU i had another one. Had chest pains and such. This time they found more blockages and gave me three more stints making my heart more metal then flesh. Since I was in the public health system this time around follow up care was pretty lacking. Except this time around I was pretty shook up. Not that many people knew I was, because I kept it to myself. Dumbfounded would be an understatement as to how I was feeling. The last time I had returned to full-time working within five weeks and this time around I was back within a week. Just kept telling myself I had no choice, I had to work. Wish I knew how to explain how emotionally I felt at that time but I am just not intelligent enough with my limited vocabulary and writing skills. During that time all I would push and think about was not thinking about what I thought or was feeling. Something I still seem to do.

My stress level went up by the end of the year and didn't slow down for over another year. Changed jobs and moved. And for the third straight year in a row I found myself going in for another possible blockage. Thankfully, they didn't find any this time. What was weird was this time I was bothered more emotionally and mentally this time then I had been before. I have basically used up the stint option and if any other blockages are found in the future, we are talking bypass. On top of all that, it was found that I am diabetic.

Wish I could tell you everything changed, but it didn't. Least not enough to really make a positive impact. Overall, my health has gotten worse. Goes without saying that it has really messed with me. Right now I am trying to deal with things and do the right things. I am better at it, but not enough.